Most wedding ceremony scripts on the internet were written for a default couple — a man and a woman, called "bride" and "groom," exchanging vows about husbands and wives. When you sit down to officiate a wedding for a trans or nonbinary couple, that script doesn't fit. Here's how to write one that does.
Start with a conversation, not a template
Before you write a single line, sit with the couple — both partners — and work through this list:
- What pronouns will I use for each of you in the ceremony? (And: should I use any pronouns at all, or just names?)
- What title do you want at the pronouncement? Spouses. Partners. Married. Husbands. Wives. Husband and wife with the genders flipped from the assumption. Some couples want the gender-coded word reclaimed; some want to skip it entirely.
- How do you want to be introduced? "Two people who…" "Two grooms…" "The couple…" "These spouses…"
- Are there family members whose pronoun use you're worried about? (Sometimes officiants need to model good pronoun use for an older relative who's still learning.)
- Is anyone in your life still adjusting? It's okay if the answer is yes. You can write a ceremony that's confident even when the room isn't.
The answers will shape everything. Take notes.
Default to gender-neutral, then layer specificity
The cleanest approach: write your draft in gender-neutral language first, then add specifics where the couple wants them.
Gender-neutral defaults that work:
- "Two people who love each other" instead of "this man and this woman."
- "The couple" or "these two" instead of "the bride and groom."
- "Marriage" instead of "matrimony" (which carries old gendered baggage).
- "Spouses" as a safe pronouncement word — works for any couple.
- "Beloved" as a relational noun, especially in vows.
Now layer in what they want. If one partner wants to be called "husband" and the other "spouse," do that. If both want "wife," do that. The couple decides; you execute.
Pronoun handling — three approaches
Approach 1: Use both partners' pronouns explicitly. "Alex, do you take Sam to be your spouse? They will love you, they will support you…" This is great when both partners use the same pronouns or want the room to hear theirs clearly.
Approach 2: Use names instead of pronouns. "Alex, do you take Sam to be your spouse? Sam will love you, Sam will support you…" Slightly more formal, very clean, sidesteps any pronoun confusion.
Approach 3: Use second-person address for the active partner. "Alex, do you take Sam? You will love them, you will support them…" Often the most intimate option.
There's no wrong answer. Ask the couple.
Gender-neutral declaration of intent
The declaration of intent is the legal heartbeat of the ceremony — the "I do" moment. Both partners must affirm intent for the marriage to be valid.
Here's a gender-neutral version that works in every state:
Alex, do you take Sam to be your spouse? Do you promise to love them, support them, and stand with them through whatever comes — for as long as you both shall live?
Sam, do you take Alex to be your spouse? Do you promise to love them, support them, and stand with them through whatever comes — for as long as you both shall live?
Swap pronouns and names to fit. Some couples prefer "partner in life" or "person I share my life with" instead of "spouse" — equally valid.
Vow language that doesn't assume gender
Sample vows that read beautifully without gendering anyone:
I vow to be your home and let you be mine. I vow to keep choosing you on the easy days and the hard ones. I vow to grow with you, not just beside you. I vow that you will always know where you stand with me. I vow to love you in every version of yourself you become.
That last line lands especially hard for trans couples — it's an explicit promise that love is durable through change.
The pronouncement — choose your language carefully
The pronouncement is the line everyone in the room remembers. Common options:
- "I now pronounce you married." (Universally safe.)
- "I now pronounce you spouses for life."
- "You are now married, in the eyes of this room and the laws of [state]."
- "I now pronounce you partners in marriage."
- "I now pronounce you wives." / "...husbands." / "...spouses."
Skip "man and wife" and "husband and wife" unless the couple has specifically asked for those exact words.
A full sample ceremony
Below is a complete ~12-minute ceremony you can adapt. Pronouns marked [they/them] are placeholders — swap for each partner's actual pronouns and names.
Welcome. Thank you for being here today. We've come together to celebrate the marriage of [Alex] and [Sam] — two people who chose each other, and who are choosing each other again, in front of all of us, today.
About the couple. [Tell a 60-second story about how they met, or a moment that defined the relationship. Two specific details beat a paragraph of generalities.]
On marriage. Marriage, at its best, is two people saying: I see who you actually are, and I want to keep showing up for that person. Not the version of you on your best day. Not the version you wish you were. The real one. Today, [Alex] and [Sam] are making that promise out loud, in front of the people who love them.
Declaration of intent. [Alex], do you take [Sam] to be your spouse — to love, to support, to stand with through whatever comes, for as long as you both shall live? (I do.)
[Sam], do you take [Alex] to be your spouse — to love, to support, to stand with through whatever comes, for as long as you both shall live? (I do.)
Vows. [Couple reads their own, or repeat-after-me from the section above.]
Ring exchange. [Alex], place this ring on [Sam]'s finger and repeat after me: With this ring, I marry you. May it remind you, every day, that I chose you.
[Repeat for the other partner.]
Pronouncement. By the power vested in me by the state of [state] — and more importantly, by the choice these two have made in front of all of us — I now pronounce you married. You may kiss.
A note on safety and confidence
Some couples are getting married in places where the room won't all be on the same page. You may be officiating in front of relatives who still misgender one partner, or in a county where you can feel the air shift when you say "two grooms."
Your job is to be steady. Don't soften the truth to avoid discomfort — but also don't perform defiance. Just say what's true, plainly, with warmth. These two people love each other. They're getting married today. Here is what they promised each other. That's the whole job.
If you're a friend who's been asked to officiate, get ordained with Church of Pride — we ordain ministers who believe love is for everyone, and we'd be honored to make you legally able to marry them.